The blind spot in my self awareness

There is a place I know intimately. A terrain I have walked for most of my life without realizing it had a name.

It is the land of being composed. Of being capable. Of being the one who keeps moving forward no matter what is happening underneath.

I come from Swiss German ancestral lines where stoicism was not just a personality trait, but a survival strategy. Feelings were handled quietly, privately, or not at all. Strength meant endurance. Love meant not burdening others with your inner world. You learned, often without words, how to stay functional, how to stay upright, how to keep going.

For a long time, that strategy worked.

Until it didn’t.

Last fall, during a trip to Aspen, something quietly extraordinary happened. I was walking on a Sunday afternoon when I noticed the sign of a local psychic. I remember thinking she would surely be closed.

Sunday. Late afternoon. The kind of timing that usually leads nowhere.

And yet something inside me stopped. I heard my own inner guidance clearly: call her.

I did, half expecting voicemail. Instead, she answered immediately. Warmly. Present. She told me she could let me in within half an hour. Of course she could.

I smiled to myself as I walked back to my car. This is how my spirit team works when something matters. No force. No drama. Just impeccable timing that leaves no room for doubt.

This is something I almost never do. Not out of arrogance or dismissal, but discernment. I have my own relationship with my spirit team. I trust my channels. I listen carefully. And yet, it was precisely because of that trust that I followed the nudge.

What emerged in that session wasn’t shocking or sensational. It was precise. A long standing pattern in my ancestral lines of bypassing emotional truth. Not denying feelings outright. Not suppressing them aggressively. Just stepping over them. Explaining them away. Staying reasonable. Staying composed.

A blindspot.

I remember laughing afterward. That soft, disarming laugh that comes when the universe gently taps you on the shoulder and says, “Yes, you are very aware. And also… not about this.”

From the time we are young, most of us are trained out of honesty with ourselves. Sometimes directly. Don’t cry. You’re fine. Calm down. Other times indirectly, through the emotional modeling of the adults around us. Feelings are inconvenient. Feelings are messy. Feelings make people uncomfortable.

So we adapt.

We learn to ignore what we feel.

At first, this seems harmless. Practical, even. But something essential is lost when we do this. Emotional truth is not noise in the system. It is data. It is feedback. Without it, we are navigating blind.

You cannot do shadow work without data.

You cannot integrate what you refuse to feel.

You cannot heal what you are defending against.

If we can’t feel, we can’t heal.

This series has been quietly pointing toward a deeper truth. Denial is not neutral. When we deny our feelings, we disavow the body. And the body knows when it is being ignored.

It tightens.

It aches.

It signals louder.

Eventually, it gets angry.

From the body’s perspective, being unheard is a rupture in trust. And when the body, the emotional subconscious, the mind, and the greater soul awareness are no longer in dialogue, something like a civil war sets in. Parts pulling in different directions. Energy leaking. Coherence lost.

This is not harmony.

This is not evolution.

And when we do not address the civil war within, we inevitably create it without.

This explains a great deal about the state of the world.

When we refuse to feel our own grief, rage, fear, or tenderness, it does not disappear. It looks for somewhere to go. And so it gets projected onto the theater around us. Onto politics. Onto relationships. Onto enemies and ideologies and endless external conflicts.

We fight out there what we have not yet met in here.

The good news is this: we can cut out the middleman.

We can drop the projection and do the inner alchemy directly. We can reclaim the energy bound up in conflict by turning toward ourselves instead of away.

But the first step is the hardest one.

We must be willing to feel.

And to be honest about what we feel.

This is no small task, considering generations have suppressed this skill. Many of us were never taught how to feel safely. How to stay present with emotion without collapsing, numbing, or attacking.

And yet, this is the work.

It is okay to be raw.

It is okay to be cracked wide open.

As I wrote earlier in this series, this is precisely how we expand our capacity to love within the human form. Not by transcending the body, but by inhabiting it fully. This is how we move from performing love to being Love.

You may be wondering what qualifies me to speak to these topics.

The answer is simple and not glamorous.

I have walked through excruciating crucibles over the last five years. Experiences that stripped away identities, illusions, and carefully constructed narratives. Moments where my soul made it clear that I could not continue carrying distortions, blindspots, or wounded motivations forward.

I have had to meet all the places where I was not loving.

Not toward others.

Toward myself.

This work has required honesty that was humbling, inconvenient, and deeply liberating. And I continue to walk it.

So I invite you now into a moment of reflection.

Take some time today to sit with these questions.

Reflection Questions

✨ Where do I habitually minimize or explain away what I feel?

✨ What emotions did I learn were too much, inconvenient, or unsafe to express?

✨ How does my body signal when it is not being heard?

✨ Where might I be projecting unresolved emotion onto the world around me?

✨ What would it feel like to tell the truth about my inner state without trying to fix it?

✨ What becomes possible if I allow myself to feel fully and honestly?

If you feel called, I invite you to share your reflections. Write back into the inbox. Comment or post wherever you’re reading this. I have found that when these conversations become communal, something powerful happens.

Shame dissolves.

Isolation breaks.

We realize we were never the only ones.

Let’s normalize honesty. Let’s stop calling it vulnerability. It is only vulnerable when we don’t feel safe. And as we cultivate safety from the inside out, honesty becomes natural.

It becomes grounded.

It becomes stabilizing.

It becomes Love in motion.

Slow down.

Pause.

Listen.

And let the body lead you home.

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